See What Terrible Things Happen When You Don’t Have Guns?

When those gun-grabbing liberal Canadians started outlawing and seizing firearms, we warned ’em about “weapon substitution syndrome,” but oh, no, those smarty-pants wouldn’t listen — and now the violence has spread to the croquet fields.

Cops in Calgary, Alberta, reported that on a sunny, peaceful spring day, some folks playing softball at a public park were sharing the lawn with a buncha folks engaged in a game of croquet when somebody said somethin’ about somebody’s momma, then somebody hoisted a middle finger, and then the fists started flyin’, and then … other hands reached for other things.

Do the math. See, lots of softball players share just a couple of bats. But every croquet player has their own genuine, tight-grained, hardwood-headed croquet mallet. Three men went to the hospital with mallet-induced head injuries, one went straight to surgery with a potential terminally-bonked noggin, four were treated and released, and nine more were arrested. Them croquet players are such ruffians, I always say. They’ve just got that “outlaw” look about ’em.

“I didn’t realize croquet was a contact sport,” said Detective Dean Vegso. Oh, this is just the beginning, Dean; next it’ll be the badminton players.