The Big Nap

Her Idea

My wife has a more traditional viewpoint on such matters but she surprised me by revealing her tentative plans for whenever my “Use By” date expires. Her counterproposal was to send me aloft in my favorite tree stand where I could spend eternity watching a deer trail.

“While hosting a big shindig for several million decay organisms,” I added cheerfully.

“Yup,” she said with an inscrutable smile.

The idea of spending perdition waiting for a trophy buck holds a certain appeal, but I pointed out a practical problem — squirrels frequently gnaw on tree stand platforms and would probably give the same treatment to any immobile hunter in residence, thereby ruining any style points you might have earned among your still-living peers. This concern was greeted with derisive laughter as she pointed out I had no issue a few moments earlier with the idea of crabs dining on my eyeballs. I had to admit that she had a point.

Since the digestive tract of tree-dwelling rodents doesn’t hold much appeal as a final resting place, I hope to come up with other suggestions for a good end while trying desperately to extend the planning phase for many more decades.

Unfortunately, unless I play my cards right and manage to disappear in the Canadian Rockies or go missing somewhere in the Caribbean, the odds say my demise will probably be as mundane as the rest of humanity.

I suppose, given the choice, it would be nice to pass quietly in my sleep just like my favorite great uncle, a beloved bus driver for many years.

Hopefully, I wouldn’t go down screaming — like his passengers.

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